Maktub

How often do we give it all and not get what we want? Perhaps it’s time to stop trying too hard and enjoy the process instead of fixating on results.

You must have heard the phrase “Sleep over it.” If you think of it, It’s incredible how these three words of wisdom work. We all have been in a situation when things are not working, and we cannot find a solution or not get the desired results. So much so that we end up creating thought paralysis. You wake up the next day, and you have the solution. It happens because we lose track and focus only on activity and forget relaxation. 

Everything works fine as long as it is balanced; that’s the law of nature and life. Hence the reverse is also true; you might think as much as you want unless you start taking action, your goal will remain elusive. Action along with relaxation is the formula to do anything successfully. If you try too hard, you end up messing with things.

Me Trying Too Hard to Gain and Lose Weight

Let me share an example of exercising or trying to exercise in my case. Throughout my life, I have never been able to continue my exercise routine for more than a week. It happened in both instances, firstly when I used to be as thin as a stick and resembled a hanger with clothes hanging on it. I thought of gaining muscle by exercising, and damn nothing worked. As I crossed the milestone age of 30, I started gaining weight on my own; perhaps I was more relaxed in my head. Today when I weigh more than 80 Kg, I only wish to bring that down by 10 kilos to be in that perfect BMI zone. So again, the magical formula of trying to exercise and then quitting continues.

When I think about why I don’t stick to the regime, it is due to my habit of going overboard. I exercise for 30 minutes straightway. After a couple of days, I feel exhausted because neither the body nor the mind is habitual to the grind. Hence, I never find the flow and eventually stop exercising entirely. An ideal way would be to start small, perhaps 10 minutes a day, and gradually increase it. If you have any better thoughts or ideas, do share. 

In retrospect, when I used to be slightly underweight, I kept thinking about gaining weight and tried too much. It was not until I accepted and appreciated myself that things started to change. The reason could be age, metabolism etc. etc. However, not trying too hard and accepting also had a significant role. Perhaps I need to do the same to shed some fat. Let us see how it goes.

Examples of Trying Too Hard

Let us discuss a few common examples to understand why we should not try too hard.

You try to be perfect at everything 

How many of us think everything should be perfect? At least 50% of us, if not more. This habit of perfection also translates into trying to be good to everybody or please everybody. It can be at home or work or perhaps both.

Let’s say you are considered a team player at work. Now to keep that image, you end up taking more work than you can do. Go out of the way to help others. Is it good? Perhaps it is, but it can have side effects too. People might judge that you have ample time to help others and may not have enough on your plate. Some who may not need your help might feel awkward and find you interfering unnecessarily. 

Similarly, in a personal set-up, You might expect too much from yourselves, do everything at the time, and be perfect. Your family members or partner may not be as you. Everyone has different nature, which is natural. 

Try saying no to a kid ten times; chances are they won’t budge. In fact, their resistance grows the more you try to scold them. Try ignoring them for a few minutes and see them following you, trying to get your attention.

It doesn’t mean that you stop giving attention or helping others. Find the balance and do it when it is genuinely needed. Also, learn to accept imperfection.

Trying to change the world or others

We often get overboard with what’s happening around us and how things are not the way they should be. I can relate to this example as I follow current affairs and often end up discussing/arguing with people online and offline about right and wrong. The leaders who changed the world never thought or tried to change the world. They had the conviction of thought, and they acted upon those. Be it, Gandhi or Mandela. They made the best use of what life threw at them and kept flowing, doing what they thought was right—eventually achieving greatness.

We must keep reminding ourselves that we can’t control life and people. Forget others; it’s super hard to control our minds. It keeps playing the master all the time, and we end up being slaves to it, often reacting and angry at trivial things. Self-awareness by observing our thoughts, being mindful, and meditation help us better understand ourselves. 

Finding a life partner? Stop trying too hard

Most of us have been in the phase of life when we look to find our soulmates (yes, it’s a sort of utopia, so what). Although love marriages are on the rise, arranged marriages are still way more prevalent. Especially in India, more than 90% of marriages are arranged. Luckily things have changed, and prospective life partners get to meet, interact, and know each other. Unlike prior generations where parents decided and sealed the deal (Pun Intended)

Coming back to the trying too hard part, we meet new people in this exciting phase to find out who’s best for us. We tend to get overboard with huge expectations and make a long checklist that must be ticked out. We start trying too hard in this process, hence the imbalance between activity and relaxation. A lot of judgement happens from both sides; no one is wrong or right. It is just the perspective. Don’t we have differences and arguments with our parents and siblings? However, we have lived in the same environment for so long? So having differences with a completely new family with different backgrounds is natural. But somehow, we take things way more personally than they are.

If you are trying too hard to find the perfect match for yourself and, more often than not, end up finding faults in the other person. Take a step back, and ask yourself, are you ready to take this big step? Are you trying too hard? Because when you are genuinely ready, things flow, and the right person automatically comes around. Stop trying too hard, and instead of looking out, look within. After a few years, when you get happily married, you will look back at this dating or match-making phase and laugh it off. 

Wrapping up

I could write a couple more examples, but then it will be too much, and I don’t want to do that, at least in this post. I would instead stop and hear from you all. Do you have any similar examples? Do you agree that trying too much makes things complicated? Even if you don’t agree at all. Do share your thoughts, examples, stories, and suggestions. 

If you liked this one, you might want to read about how Less is More and Why Being Slow is the most underestimated quality ever.