The one thing which is inevitable in this life is Death. Yet, we keep ignoring it and are too scared to think about it. Forget discussing it with others. As I begin to write about this interesting topic “When I’m old and about to die, I want to…” I wonder if the phrase itself is flawed. You don’t need to be old to die unless we stop defining and relating the term old with age.
Revisiting the Close Encounter
It was April 2021, that time of the pandemic when almost every house had someone suffering from the not-so-friendly virus. I was down, my body temperature used to hover around 101 degrees Celsius. The fever would hardly break with the paracetamol tablet. The only thing it did was to give a mild relief so that I could catch up on some sleep. In no time I would wake up drenched in sweat. Every kind of information was flowing in the news and social media, no one knew what was genuine and what was fake. The test results arrived when the worst was over and amusingly, they were negative, but the body and mind confirmed that the test reports were flawed.
I had kept a diary to take note of the temperature and oxygen level at different times of the day, and soon it started showing a trend. Temperature was not a cause of worry but oxygen level was, as it played on our minds. What if it goes below the normal percentage? My wife was also infected but luckily with no severe symptoms. She somehow managed to take care of me, herself, and the home. Women are strong, much stronger than we men think they are.
It was the night of day five since the fever started. I was lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling, feeling breathless. The oxygen level was at the brink of deciding if I could recover at home or head to a nearby hospital. Going to the hospital was considered fatal, and chances were you may never return or see your family and loved ones again.
It was not the first time that I had seen death or feared death. I’ve witnessed someone very close to me leave this mortal world in front of my eyes. Yet this feeling was different because I was the lead character and the viewer of this scene. I remember praying in my mind to somehow sail through the night to see the sun rays filtering in from the windows and hear the birds chirping in the morning. I was determined, almost in deep meditation. The kind of focus I always wished for, to be in the present moment. It’s strange how a mere thought of death can make you truly feel alive.
Grateful I am!
The fact that I’m writing the experience in February 2024, means my and my loved ones’ prayers were answered. The next morning, Day 6th onwards I started feeling better, although the fever remained my companion till day 14. I knew the worst had passed. It was a life-changing experience. Many were not lucky like me and lost the battle at a young age, on the other hand, many old warriors triumphed.
As I write these lines, A Facebook post told me that one of my ex-colleagues, a down-to-earth human being has left us too soon. He fought a deadly illness for more than a year. Around a month ago, after knowing about his condition. I had sent a message wishing him good health and a happy wedding anniversary. Now, I don’t know what to say or write. His family must be shattered. Time will help them heal, it’s going to be tough, yet eventually, time is the best healer. When we lose someone, we are stuck between the past and the present moment. We can’t imagine or think about the future at all.
How Long Can We Ignore the Obvious?
It might be the most cliche line ever, but it’s damn true. The only thing that is certain in life is its uncertainty. Yet we cling to it as we have thousands of years to live. With each passing year, the world is becoming more and more unstable, there are unnecessary wars, innocent children are being killed, and there’s more hate and fear than love and kindness. We have fractured Mother Nature to a level that, the day might not be far when nature will start healing itself by wiping humans off this planet. So, in a way, we all are facing the music of death together. Yet, the noise cancellation of new-age earbuds is keeping us joyous in our ignorant bliss.
Bidding Adieu for Now
Coming back to the topic, I sincerely hope to bid farewell to life in a peaceful sleep. That’s the best way to go. When I’m gone, people shouldn’t feel any grudges and remember me as a person who tried to remain human as much as possible. Until then, let’s feel alive and let others feel the same way.
Loved it !! You showed lots of maturity while dealing with a subject that is considered taboo to people of your age – why your age ? Even my age because we love to be cats who close our eyes and drink milk and think no one can see us ..
Its a touching piece .. you made us feel the desparation and anxiety and my heart went out to you ♥️